| oh boy |
[01 Jun 2007|02:13pm] |
I'm tired of restricting myself because of self-imposed insecurities. Honestly, I shouldn't become my own worst enemy. I don't like being trapped in my own head lately. I have no idea why but as of late I've really been contemplating the rest of my life and death. No, I'm not suicidal or anything. I have just come to realize I am way too incredibly scared of the unknown. This shouldn't be hindering me, yet it is.
The past few weeks have been an emotional roller coaster. Mark and I have been fighting a bit, but we've got that resolved now. I really do love him and I don't care if people judge me for "jumping the gun" but I can easily see myself spending the rest of my life with him. The 16th is our one year anniversary. I was always so afraid that he had liked me for so long and idealized me that once the day came that he saw my shortcomings that it would be the end. Maybe that was why I was so hesitant to date him. It's amazing what you can discover about yourself if you don't let fear grab you by the arm and lead you down the wrong path.
For the longest time now I have felt like I wasn't good enough. I'm not smart enough, or motivated enough. There is always that one person in school who brings me down. Work has become my own personal hell. I always perceived myself as a pretty decent employee, yet my managers treat me like I'm incompetent. I try really hard when I'm there, I just wish they could see that. Once again fear is clamping on to me. I would love to go get a new job doing something I enjoy or even something that pays me more. Yet I have become so accustomed to the people and the rotation of things at Bashas' that I can't leave.
It's crazy to think that this time a year ago I was at the Globe Theatre in England. I was afraid to be so far from my family, but I faced my fears and came out with one of the best experiences in my life. Why can't I do that again? I guess I'll start trying harder.
{i miss London, June 2006}
|
|
abandon thought & let the dream descend
|
|
|
[24 Sep 2006|12:14am] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 exhausted |
] |
I don't really like college too much. I've been working about 24 hours a week and I have so much studying to do that I kinda feel like punching a hole in the wall. I guess it wouldn't be so bad if my throat wasn't entirely raw from the cold I'm getting. Not to mention my voice is just about gone. This is turning out to be an amazing year. HA!
But I did watch Phantom of the Opera tonight. That movie is love.
|
|
abandon thought & let the dream descend
|
|
|
[27 Aug 2006|11:15pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 cranky |
] |
Wow, I miss my livejournal.
So I've sat here on my new laptop all day. I was supposed to go to work, but I called in sick. It was only the second time in two years that I've called in. It was really nice, actually. Although, I've been kinda down for the past hour or so.
I know it's only been a week, but I don't really like the college life yet. I dont think I ever want to grow up. I have no idea what I want to do. I know, you'll tell me not to worry about it and that I'll figure it out and that the first two years are just general studies, blah, blah, blah. But you know what? I am worrying about it. I'm sick of having to do pointless shit classes before I can actually do what I want. Even though I have no idea what I want to do! Ah, its an endless circle.
I'm also not nearly as social as I used to be. What happened? I have no idea. I just don't like most people my age. Especially most of the people at ASU. I'm also sick of friends being mad at me for pointless dumb reasons that make me want to punch them in the face. Get over it and learn to act like a decent person. Which means not ignoring me. BAAAAAH!
Can you tell I needed to vent? I dont really think anyone will read this either. I've been dormant for so long I dont really think anyone is alive out there in livejournal world.
Damn hormones. I always get all emotional and depressed like this when I'm on my period. And now my back is hurting and I'm tired. I need to start sleeping more. I'm becoming an insomniac. I dont like this at all.
|
|
abandon thought & let the dream descend
|
|
|
[20 May 2006|12:33am] |
|
I can't stand this. I feel alone and sick to my stomach. Why should I hurt this bad? I wasn't supposed to have any feelings. I hate emotions. I hate myself. I'm not gonna sleep tonight. Screw this. I hate everything.
|
|
let the dream descend
|
|
![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif){kind=small}
anamberromance's journal